The Toilet

“The flush toilet, more than any single invention, has 'civilized' us in a way that religion and law could never accomplish.”   - Thomas Lynch

Now, a point of contention between Amy and I since we moved to the island has been the condition of the toilet in our hut.  The toilet, installed some time in the early 90's, was, as they say, "serviceable."  It was a warrior.  It did its job.  Of course it was not much to look at, but hey, it's a toilet.  The problem, in Amy's eyes, was that the toilet rocked a little bit from side to side, or as she put it, "wobbled."  I admit, it did wobble, but not enough to keep it from doing its primary job of being a toilet.  To Amy, however, this was a daily sign of imperfection and failure.

Over the course of our time on the island, the toilet has been a reoccurring source of controversy, with topics including its cleanliness, the aforementioned rocking, and the amount of time I spend on said toilet.  There have been harsh words, heated discussion, and a couple fix attempts.  (I tried to shim the toilet with some pieces of wood.  It didn't work.) 

I should have known there would be a day of reckoning.




Now is a good time to give you a preview of the upcoming New York Times Bestseller, How to Get What You Want, by Amy Schwartz.  In addition to the chapters on pouty faces, threats, bribery, sweet smiley faces, and extortion, there is one particularly clever scheme that has relevance here.  The concept is this: When you want something changed, or "fixed," but when there is no objective reason to change or "fix" the "problem," you simply break said something, forcing the desired change or "fix."  The most recent usage of this tactic involved the door to our kitchen.  After the hurricane, the door to the kitchen was swollen, and therefore was a little hard to close.  Amy wanted this changed.  So, every time Amy would close the kitchen door, she would slam the shit out of it.  When I warned her of the delicate state of the door, and that we had a limited door supply, she would retort, "Well if you would just fix this fucking door, it would be fine."  It should come as no surprise, then, when I heard a resounding crash from the kitchen, saw the kitchen door smashed and unusable, with the door handle in Amy's hands and a contented smirk on her face.  Over her shoulder as she walks away, Amy says, "Well, it looks like we have to fix the door."

Fast forward to the toilet.  Over the last couple months, the toilet developed a "leak."  Amy of course brought this to my attention to support her argument that I had to "fix" the fucking toilet.  I could never see that the toilet leaked at all.  I checks at various times of day.  To put it bluntly, there was no leak.  Amy insisted, however, that the toilet "leak" was a real problem that had to be addressed.  So one day, I said, "Show me where the leak is."  Amy goes over to the toilet, and starts violently rocking it back and forth.  I'm like, "What the fuck are you doing?"  And she's like, "Showing you where the leak is."  And I'm like, "Stop shaking the toilet and it won't leak."  And Amy says with a straight face, "Well, when I use the toilet I like to lean back, and when I do, it shakes the toilet and it leaks."  As she says this, she is violently shaking the toilet, and, after a resounding "crack," there was, indeed, a leak in the toilet.  

So now I had a leaking toilet, which, obviously, had to be addressed.  I informed Amy that we were fresh out of toilets, to which she pointed out that we did, in fact, have nine toilets in the storage, to be used for the Banyan Inn.  We agreed to use one of the Banyan Inn toilets.

Now is a good time to tell you about the Banyan Inn toilets.  Amy spent hours researching the best toilets available.  Qualities such as bowl height, ease of cleaning, aesthetics, and durability were considered.  The verdict was that the best toilet in the world is the Toto Carlyle II One Piece Toilet.  According to Toto, "This elegant one-piece toilet features an elongated bowl and skirted base. Modern in design, it offers our powerful and efficient Tornado Flush flushing system."  With its "Tornado Flush flushing system," I dubbed it the Supertoilet.  In my research into the installation of the Supertoilet, I discovered the sales video for the Supertoilet.  I submit it to you below, which I would recommend, not only for the glory in which is shows Supertoilet, but for the awesome soundtrack.

For those of you that watched this video: I want you to focus on that tiny little part of your soul that is screaming at you for watching a video of a toilet; that little bit of heartache that you feel for wasting 40 seconds of your life on watching a video of a toilet; the realization that "I just watched a video about a toilet."  It was this feeling that I felt ALL FUCKING DAY the day I tried to install Supertoilet in the hut.

Without further ado, I consulted in sum-total of all human knowledge, i.e. YouTube, on how to remove and install a new toilet.  For those of you that have changed out a toilet before, I, your comrade, salute you.  For those of you that have not changed out a toilet, you owe a large debt of gratitude to those men and women who look out for your pooping pleasure.  The YouTube videos used words like "effluvium," "sewage gas," and "biohazard" as if you don't know what those words mean.  Well I know what they mean.  I know what they were really talking about.  It was with sheer horror that I confronted the toilet issue. 

I made my preparations:

I completed the first task of removing the old toilet.  I won't disgust you with the details, but suffice it to say, I will never feel truly clean again.  Whilst I was removing the toilet, I cracked a piece of the toilet, rendering it inoperable (a fact that will become relevant later).  "Never fear," I thought, "Supertoilet will come to save the day."   It was at this point that I proudly brought Supertoilet to his new resting spot.  Within seconds, I knew this was not to be.  You see, part of being a Supertoilet is that you have to have a super-connector-thingy, which connects Supertoilet to the floor, which was sadly not included in Supertoilet's box.  I watched, AGAIN, the above-enclosed video, to make sure I had not missed anything.  I had not.  Dejected, I put Supertoilet back in his box.

So here I was, no toilet (because I had cracked the old toilet), no supertoilet (because I lacked the super-connector-thingy), and no nearby building of sufficient height I could jump off to end it all.  I decided to say "fuck it," go to the Do-It Center, and just get a regular old toilet.  When I was at Do-It Center, I asked about whether they carried Toto toilets and whether they had the "super-connector-thingy" I needed for Supertoilet.  The Do-It Center guy says yes we have Toto toilets, but they do not sell the super-connector-thingy separately from the toilets.  He says to me, pointing at the super-connector-thingy I so desperately needed, and said, "You no have this; you no have Toto; no shit."  No shit indeed sir, no shit indeed.

I purchased a regular toilet and brought it home.  I carefully installed it to the best of my abilities.  When I was done, there was no leak.  There was, however, a minor wobble, which was far less than the wobble on the old toilet.  Since I didn't think the wobble was a big deal, I was elated.  I flushed the new toilet to determine that there were no leaks.  There were none.  I sat back, reflected on the eight hours of my life that ended up with absolutely nothing accomplished.  I reflected on the horrors I had seen and smelt.  I knew that had I just staying in bed all day, I would be right where I was now.  I knew I had started the day with an operable toilet, and completed the day with an operable toilet, and that was just about the only thing you could say about the day.  I was sad, but nevertheless victorious.

Amy returns to find me patting myself on the back and proceeds into the bathroom.  I know the time of reckoning is here.  I know what will happen.  As I wait with baited breath in the hut, I hear, "It still wobbles."   I was crestfallen.  Knowing what was coming, I slumped into the bathroom.  I find Amy violently shaking the toilet. 

And yes, when she was done...

Wait for it.

There was a leak.