Island Time

"Time is an illusion." - Albert Einstein

Although I have never read it anywhere, I am sure, based on his statement, that Mr. Einstein spent a great deal of time on the island of Providenciales.  We were originally introduced to the idea of Island Time when we first came down here.  As we waited at the Conch Shack to meet our realtor, we noted that our watches (set to Chicago Time (CT)), said we were on time.  When the realtor showed up 30 minutes (CT) later, he apologized and said, "sorry, but you have to get used to island time (IT)."  This concept was later reinforced when we went to restaurants and waited an hour (CT) for our food, when we went to various government agencies, and when we showed up to a 7:30 p.m. show, only to have the show begin about an hour later (CT).  All of these events happened exactly when they should, according to Island Time.  My curiosity of Island Time was piqued.

Having observed Island Time for a while now, and after considering the matter in various situations, I sat down to calculate the relationship between Island Time and Chicago Time.  In Einstein's world, I wanted to solve the following equation for x: IT=x(CT).  For my fellow nerds, I wanted to determine the Island Coefficient of Time (ICT).  I sat down in my thinking chair, loaded up my thinking pipe, turned up the Rush album Hemispheres, and went to work.

My lovely lab assistant
demonstrating a "lunch hour" which
lasts two hours Chicago Time

I began my analysis by establishing certain known data points.  Using the above examples, in Chicago, it is ordinarily 10 minutes after a business meeting starts to be thought to be unacceptably late.  Here, you can arrive at any time up to 90 minutes before you are thought to be late. (ICT=9).  In Chicago, lunch hour is 60 minutes.  Here, a lunch hour can span up to 2 hours.  (ICT=2).  In Chicago, you expect your dinner to arrive within 30 minutes of ordering.  Here, that time is 60 minutes.  (ICT=2).  Other times, the ICT is less than unity.  For example, my commute time in Chicago was 45 minutes.  Here, my commute time is 15 seconds.  (ICT=0.0056).  A trip to the store takes 45 minutes in Chicago Time.  Here, a trip to the store takes 5 minutes. (ICT=0.111).

I have also noted that Island Time is affected by other factors.  For example, when one is wearing a shirt, the ICT is lower.  This means that when you are wearing a shirt on the island, time becomes closer and closer to Chicago Time.  I believe this to be a result of the fact that any time you wear a shirt, you are usually going to somewhere "fancy," like your lawyer's office or out to dinner.  I, liking to keep the ICT as high as possible, usually limit my shirt-wearing days to three out of seven per week.

Conversely, your proximity to water raises the ICT.  This means that when you are, for example, in or near a pool or the ocean, Island Time becomes greater and greater than Chicago Time.  For example, while you may be sipping your morning coffee and reading the local paper at the airport, this activity may take you 20 minutes.  If you are on your porch overlooking the ocean, doing the same activity, this may take you as long as 60 minutes.  (ICT=3).  The same goes for working.  If you are working at your job in an office, and an activity takes 15 minutes, doing your job near, say, a pool, can take up to an hour.  (ICT=4).  To test this theory, I had my beautiful lab assistant attempt to take a net and clear a 50' x 28' surface area.  This activity, similar to raking a small yard in Chicago, should take approximately 30 minutes. (CT).  However, when she attempted to accomplish this task near our pool, the task took her about three hours.  (ICT=6).  This necessarily included not only the job itself, but additional time to refresh and relax along the way.

But perhaps the greatest effect on the ICT is the number and type of drinks being consumed at any given time.  Without overly complicating matters, the number of drinks one has during any given activity acts as a multiplier in the ICT equation thusly:  CT=ICT(IT)(D), where D is the number of drinks imbibed during the relevant time period.  In witnessing this phenomenon, I have seen a game of checkers (CT=6 minutes), last an hour; an argument over who is the GOAT, Michael Jordan or LeBron James (CT= 3 seconds), last 45 minutes; and the act of writing a blog entry (CT=N/A), last two hours.  Note: If any of the number of drinks (D) in the equation are shots of Jack Daniels, the calculations require a PhD in astrophysics, human metabolism, and chaos theory.

After running my computations, I can say with scientific certainty that the normal ICT on the island of Providenciales is 2.3856.  This means that my life expectancy is now 113.7968 years.  In addition, as I try to spend as much time as possible shirtless, being near the ocean, and with a cool beer in my hand, I will most likely live well into my 130's.  

Most importantly, future Lionfish guests, is that your one-week vacation down here will feel like 16.6992 days.  If you combine that with plenty of (1) pool time, (2) cocktails, and (3) nudity, you could possibly stretch that into three or four weeks.  We at the Lionfish take your longevity seriously, and will strive to bring all three into your vacation equation.

(c) 2017 Scientific American; (c) 2017 Journal of Applied Physics; (c) 2017 Journal of Computational Physics; etc.